The Giant College Movie Review Post

Hi.
Okay, okay, stop screaming. Yes, I’m back. No, not for long.
This poor shabby blog has been neglected for quite a while, hasn’t it? Well, it is good to be back. Even if it’s only a month and I don’t plan on posting every day or something crazy like that.
Guess what, my dear friends?
I went away to college.
I actually did it. Yes, me. Kate Freaking Marie. Your very own and dearly beloved Evil Overlord.
I did a lot more than just go to college, too. I survived college, for starters. I finished my first semester with flying colors. With new friends, new enemies, plenty of heartbreak, lovely grades, and high hopes for the future. I managed to be teacher’s pet in quite a few classes, made a good impression, and am pursuing opportunities. Like a cozy little job at the school newspaper. All my fingers and toes are crossed for that one. I mean, really. I’ve been blogging since I was 14. This job wouldn’t be different at all… except for that paycheck that would allow me to join my friends at the cutest thrift shop in the world every now and then.
College has been a blast, really. Finals week was a true… experience. So many things can be crossed off the bucket list! I’m glad I went. I’m pumped for what lies ahead. And, as cheesy as it always sounds, I’m proud of myself… for stepping out in so many ways and for growing into a more mature young woman than I was before. I do believe I am ready for the next tumble of adventures that lies before me.
Enough intro. We all know we’re here to talk about movies. And talk about movies we shall. Until you are furiously sick of me blathering on and on about them.
I did very little writing at college, despite dreamy plans of finishing about twelve novels. Some of my other plans did not quite come to fruition, either. For example, I didn’t clean up all my Goodreads shelves. Or make some shiny new playlists on Spotify. And I definitely don’t have a boyfriend. I still can’t play the piano. Disappointing, truly.
The one thing I did… was watch movies.
So.
Many.
Movies.
A ridiculous number of movies.
An appalling number.
I despise myself.

Sort of.

And no, I’m not going to tell you the number of movies. Calm down. The reason is that I don’t know. I didn’t count them ahead of time. You tally them up and tell me in the comments section or something, okay? My brain hurts. You can’t expect me to do math at a time like this.

Let’s just dive in and stop talking about numbers, shall we?

What did I watch first…

The Exorcist

Wow. Way to start off your college-movie-watching-experience right, Kate.

I’m not going to beat around the bush here. This movie was trash. Complete and utter trash.

Contrary to the firm convictions of the young man who insisted I watch it — because he was too scared to watch it by himself, I might add — this is not good storytelling. For one thing, it is a horror film — why yes, I am appalled at myself, thank you for asking — and it is not the least bit scary. It was, for lack of a better word, gross.

Very, very gross.

And that was what the whole movie depended upon. The Gross Factor. It was not an artistic film. The acting did not stand out to me. The sets were bland. The plot wasn’t even remotely compelling. I did not empathize with a single character. No one grew or changed. There were no good guys, no bad guys, no conflict, no point. Just gross.

A little girl who can contort her body in peculiar ways. Who talks with a man’s voice. Who turns green. Who throws up on people. Who stabs herself. Who uses the most vile language I have ever had the pleasure of hearing in my innocent life.

Wow indeed.

This was my very first foray into the world of horror films and I must say that I am thoroughly disappointed.

The Greatest Showman – Incomplete

I was already quite familiar with the soundtrack and, unfortunately, I watched this movie with a group of people who had seen the movie enough times that they had no qualms about talking loudly over all the dialogue-bits. So… I kinda missed that part.

It looks like a lot of fun, so I’m looking forward to a rewatch!

Infinity War

I love Marvel films!

I have to say that first because I’m afraid you will get the wrong impression from what I am about to say about this one.

And I should probably warn you that I watch the Marvel movies all out of order. My first one was Winter Soldier. Then the first Avengers. Then I caught the ending of Age of Ultron on TV. Then I watched Ragnarok. Until college, that was the sum total of my
exposure.

I think it is necessary to point this out because I don’t have most of the background that is probably necessary to fully appreciate the culmination that is Infinity War. Some of the characters were brand-new to me, after all.

And now, to the point. I didn’t love this movie. Mainly, I think, because I expected it to be sad. And it was not sad.

I’m sorry. I really am. I wish I could dredge up some emotion over here, but… no. I didn’t cry. I didn’t even come close.

Like I said… maybe it was because so many of the characters were new. I actually laughed out loud as the whiny Spiderman — can we re-name him Spider Boy, please? — died.

Oops.

Was that a spoiler?

Here’s a spoiler for you — they all die. Yup. They turn into little purple sparkles. It’s great. They go poof and you are left sitting there wondering why that is supposed to be sad in the first place. Besides! We all know they are coming back.

You know how I know? All the actors have been signed on to do another movie, that’s how. Marketing fail?

If I ever rewatch it, I’m sure I’ll pick up on some things to love. Some really great banter or some backstory stuff I never got before. But honestly, I didn’t care that much. All my favorites managed to not-purple-sparkle, anyway. As long as my boy Cap is still standing, I don’t really care who dies.

Doctor Strange

Okay, so this one was actually super fun.

I can’t say that I understood more than 5% of what was happening, but it was fun. Although I have a fair amount of disdain for Benedict Cumberbatch, I have to admit that he is one of the most talented actors I have ever encountered. Second, of course, to Johnny Depp. Obviously.

But still. Ever since watching Sherlock, there is no doubt in my mind that Cumberbatch is one of the best of the best. And the visuals were stunning, as they were meant to be.
I still understand nothing, though.

Except that Stephen is a real jerk.

The Nun

Now, this is horror as it is meant to be.

Not only is this film actually terrifying — so there, Exorcist — but it has something resembling a story, as well.

My favorite thing about The Nun, actually, was how aesthetic it was. That sounds strange, doesn’t it? A horror film being pretty? But it was. The color scheme was very consistent, the camera angles were clearly though out ahead of time, there were repeated visual themes, the haunting stereotype was played up to the maximum.

I honestly enjoyed it.

…As much as anyone can enjoy being scared out of their skin, that is.

You know what’s weird? For a girl who had never seen a horror film before and didn’t really approve of the genre to begin with, I very quickly became an aficionado, didn’t I? The Nun has actually made me feel like I could get into horror movies.

I went to see it in theaters, too, so that helped. The larger-than-life screen and booming surround sound will scare you to death when the jumpscares and zombie nuns don’t.
If it weren’t for the fact that my muscles are going to be in a permanent state of cramped readiness, I would almost say that I’d like to watch this one again…

Black Panther

I really wanted to like this one. That isn’t a very promising way to open up a mini-review, is it? I’m sorry. Turns out I’m not the Marvel fan you thought I was, huh?

There were things I sincerely enjoyed about this movie. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been in love with Africa, so the cultural additions were as breathtaking as I expected. Shuri was adorable. The relationship between the siblings and between T’Challa and his mother was beautiful — and I would love to see more such family dynamics in the future.

The visuals were lovely.

I guess… the story felt oddly lacking for me.

It didn’t punch me in the tear ducts the way that Marvel movies usually do. Maybe… maybe it’s that I’m watching with friends instead of family these days. Maybe it’s that we are laughing and joking as we watch and that life is too good to be sad over a movie. I’m not sure.

I should try a re-watch on this one too, probably.

The Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

So.

Much.

Yes.

My dearest of all dear boys — that would be Johnny Depp — is back at it again and, although he is looking a little more bleached and wrinkled and drunken than perhaps he ought, he is as hilarious and swashbuckling as ever and as much fun to watch.

Fantastic and lovely.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Hmmm.

In my smol opinion, this movie was more about the boom and the bang than about heart and that was slightly disappointing. I suppose I can’t really talk — I didn’t know what to expect — because this is my first time watching one of the newer Jurassic movies.

I don’t know, guys. I thought it would cute and heartbreaking, sweet little dinosaurs being hurt by mean scientists, their weirdo friend Chris Pratt showing up to save the day, them sacrificing themselves to protect their beloved human…

But no.

It was mostly about explosions and psychological trauma driving you to kiss someone that you would rather not: Chris Pratt.

Gross.

Casino Royale

Um.

Okay then.

So Daniel Craig is ugly. So it makes no sense why all these women are crazy for him. I wish he would die. There are many booms. And way too much sex.

Thank you and goodbye.

Guardians of the Galazy Volume 2

Now this, my friends, is what I call a Marvel movie.

And not just because the Guardians of the Galaxy franchise has approached the films from the comedy-instead-of-serious-and-heavy angle, either. Okay? I love serious movies. I love dark movies. I love heavy content. I don’t need everything to be funny and fluffy and shallow and sparkles to make me happy. I adore Captain America and it is still my firm belief that Winter Soldier is one of the best Marvel films ever made.

But.

This movie just clicked with me.

It’s ironic, actually. Two of the more serious Marvel films I watched — Infinity War and Black Panther — made little to no impression on me. And yet… Guardians of the Galaxy 2, along with Thor: Ragnarok, nearly moved me to tears.

Why?

I think that while the more serious films are — usually — fantastic, these more in-your-face, neon, comedic attempts have captured a deeper level of sadness in the characters that they portray.

I was talking with my little brother about this after Ragnarok. The movie made me deeply sad for my poor baby Thor… because the whole movie, like the character, tries to have this sense of bravado and devil-may-care. The film almost had a Pirates of the Caribbean flavor to it.

Especially when Thor is sitting in that cage talking to a skeleton.

Or when he is bantering with the bad guy as he tries to take him down, using witty insults just as much as his hammer.

It’s cute. It’s funny. It’s endearing. It makes us fall even deeper in love with Thor because now instead of being hot and serious, he is hot and a rogue.

I mean, isn’t that why we all adore Captain Jack so much?

It is, sure.

But here’s the thing.

That isn’t really Thor. That flirtatious, careless guy? That is Thor trying to bury his pain. That is Thor trying to pretend it doesn’t matter. That is Thor trying to be tough. That is Thor being the kind of hero he thinks everyone expects him to be.

And that makes me sad.

Because the poor boy is hurting. He wants to protect people, but they get hurt anyway. He wants to be loved, but rejection happens. He wants family, but people die or else stab you in the back.

Our good, serious Thor is still in there. But he has lived too long and seen too much and it’s made him cynical. He tries to play stuff off as humorous to hide wounds he doesn’t want anyone to see.

Am I getting too introspective for you yet?

Maybe I’m taking it too far, but I don’t think so.

I honestly think that is why these types of movies hit me so hard. Because it is such a real reaction to pain. To grow a thicker skin and laugh it off, like life is one big joke and you don’t care if you die as long as there is a big boom.

It’s why I love Pirates. It’s why I love Ragnarok. And it’s why I adored this movie.

And then, of course, there was Baby Groot.

Oh.

My.

Heart.

He is so precious and I would give the world to keep that darling safe. I sincerely wish that I could give birth to something as adorable as that tiny tree-human. I just… I have no words to express my utter enchantment.

Last but not least, we have a great mish-mash family vibe going on that I positively love. The theme throughout the movie is heartrending. And the “unspoken thing” — well, I like it.

The Boy

Firstly and definitely most importantly, this movie has my beloved son Frank Churchill in it?

Hi, Frank! Looking good, son!

Moving on. This isn’t exactly horror… but it’s close. Technically it is a thriller and it is, obviously, nowhere near as scary as The Nun. Thankfully. I don’t know how much more sudden jolting my vertebrae can take. I enjoyed this movie at first… the aesthetic was nice and the near-silence had a cool effect.

Then Frank Churchill showed up and the romance was cute. Interesting way to take the story, I thought. And then the ending… just no.

I realize it is probably just me, but finding out what was happening all along shook me a little too much. The sexual undertones freaked me out and the movie started feeling more like a horror. At least when I go to bed thinking about towering nuns I’m just like “I’m gonna die” — when you think about grownup boys watching you from the paneling in the walls… well, that is another level of scary.

The Arrow – 1 Episode

I’m just sad that I haven’t seen more than one episode, to be honest. I very much enjoyed the first one. This series looks at least as fun as The Flash!

Civil War – Unfinished

Alas and alas.

I’m sure I would have loved this one to bits and pieces, but I didn’t make it all the way through before I was interrupted.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before

I know what you are all expecting me to say, so I’ll say it.

It was adorable.

And it was.

Peter Kavinsky is everything a girl could wish for and more. Which is why the movie is utterly unrealistic and makes me more frustrated than anything else. It was fluffy and cute, but let’s face it, folks — no girl as adorable as Lara Jean would never have had a boyfriend before. She would have been the most popular girl at school. All the boys should have been falling at her feet. And secondly, nobody as cute and perfect as Peter actually exists in the real world. It is either one, or the other. Cute. Or nice. Take your pick but you can’t have both.

Particularly not Peter’s brand and cute and perfect. I mean, he’s not just cute. He’s mega-hot. And he’s a sports guy. We all know what that means. The chances of finding someone with both a good face, a stellar body, and athletic skills who also is a kind and decent human being who thinks about anything other than himself on a semi-regular basis is a very difficult concept to wrap my little head around.

Lara Jean’s dad was adorably clueless, though, and that was sweet. At least something was realistic in this movie.

Stranger Things – 3 Episodes

It’s official.

I am now a horror addict.

I disgust myself.

We stopped after about 3 episodes of this show and still need to get back to it. I can’t say a whole lot except for that it is majorly creepy and that I like the drunken cop dude and I deeply empathize with the misfit older brother. He is me and I am him. We are twinsies.

Pleasantville

Allow to first of all very loudly proclaim that I was required — by law, probably — to watch this horrendous film for collegiate purposes. If it had been up to me, I never would have watched this movie.

For one thing, it has Tobey Maguire in it and he is the worst Spiderman of all time and his face is capable of most peculiar contortions that disturb me greatly, particularly when he cries. Please note that I have never watched any Spiderman movies, least of all his, but the internet is a thing that exposes me to a great variety of sights I would rather not see. Like Tobey Maguire’s face.

Secondly, a very creepy Don Knotts appears in this film and I am now terrified of him. Even though he is well and truly dead. His voice now haunts my nightmares. Thanks for that, Don.

Reese Witherspoon also makes an appearance in the film, and would probably be its highlight if she didn’t play a rather disgusting role.

To put it simply, I understand the goal of this movie. And it is not a bad goal.

Aesthetically speaking, it served its purpose — as many disturbing things do in this world, I suppose. That said, I kept thinking to myself as I watched it how I could do a much better job of telling the same story, and that isn’t exactly a compliment.

The Raven

We watched this one for Halloween and it is a most lovely film, full of murder and serial killers and Poe references and random guys getting sliced in two by very sharp swinging knives.

Like I said. Lovely.

It’s fun, too, because the more movies you watch, the more familiar faces start to pop up. In this one, I recognized Philip from Lark Rise To Candleford, Par from Lark Rise To Candleford, and my dear Bard from the Hobbit trilogy.

I daresay absolutely none of the stuff about Poe was true, but I liked the portrayal of him as a genuinely good man, a genius of the first order, and relatively more sane than I typically imagine him to be.

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Another Halloween movie, and one that the dear Kenzie bean has been wanting me to watch for ages. The animation is a most terrifying thing to behold, which is fitting. The musical numbers are as fun on-screen as they are on Spotify. Jack is my favorite pure sweet cinnamon roll. The scenes on the hill in front of the moon are my favorite.

And that is all I have to say upon that subject. Perhaps next year I will watch Sweeney Todd and The Corpse Bride and my Halloween Movie Project will be, at long last, complete.

V For Vendetta

This one is… interesting.

I’m not even sure where to start. I think this was the first movie I watched in a long series of movies that prominently featured Anne Hathaway, which was an odd coincidence that began to feel a little haunting. She reminded me a lot of Eleven in this film. You have to admit that beyond the fetching hairstyle, they have a few things in common.

I must protest, also, that kissing a man wearing a mask that covers his lips is perhaps the most pointless endeavor in the world. I am thoroughly confused. And speaking of confusion… can someone just explain V’s superhuman capabilities to me? Because I am completely lost there.

Lastly, I must shamefacedly admit that I didn’t realize the whole story was futuristic until the very end of the story. I thought there must have been a time period in England when such things actually occurred…

Oops.

This is why I am very bad at history, I think?

Wonder

What an absolutely refreshing breath of air this was!

I think I can say without doubt that this is most family friendly film I have watched since going to college and, while I do not regret in the least most of the films I have had the opportunity to watch, it was nice to get back to my roots — and to go home and show this one to my family!

I am pleased to tell you that they enjoyed it every bit as much as I did and my little brother couldn’t stop talking about how much he loved the story. Agh. There is nothing like sharing stories, guys. Nothing. It’s kind of what I live for.

So this story is basically precious. We all know by now that I’m a sucker for family themes and close — or dysfunctional, as the case may be — family relationships, so this story was bound to be a favorite just for that. That said, I’m also a sucker for romance, so I’m surprised by the fact that I enjoyed this story so much when romance wasn’t really a factor at all. I don’t tend to be swept up in pre-adolescent stories that much, but this one is a beautiful exception.

I think my favorite moment is when Auggie’s dad says, “I missed seeing your face. I know you don’t like it sometimes, but I love it. It’s my son’s face.” The feels.

Antman and the Wasp – Unfinished

This did not feel at all like a Marvel movie to me. Just gonna get that out there first thing.
I did enjoy it, however. It was very lighthearted and fun — probably why it didn’t feel like a Marvel movie to me — and I loved the father-daughter relationship. Single dads don’t get enough screen time in this world, which is a crying shame because they are always adorable.

August Rush

What a simply gorgeous film.

The music was, of course, flawless. Evan’s dad was a most beautiful human and I wished to keep him for my own. The social worker was cool. Robin Williams scares me now.
I think that about sums it up.

She’s The Man

And thus began my plunge into the world of chick-flicks.

I honestly cannot say with confidence that I had ever seen a chick-flick before this movie… I guess Mean Girls could count? Yes, it probably could. But Mean Girls and movies like it were the rare exception in my growing up years. So the past few months have been… a learning experience.

This is really what girls watch?

The Devil Wears Prada

Um, how about no?

Not that I’m holding any grudges or anything but I literally stayed up by myself to watch this on my laptop until late at night because it was recommended to me as light and fluffy and funny and that was what I was looking for.

Excuse me.

There is nothing light, fluffy, or funny about this movie. I’m not sure I would have liked it even if I was looking for something serious, depressing, and dreary. Not that anyone ever looks for those things, really.

And wow, is that Anne Hathaway I see? Again? Really? I am getting tired of her face.
I don’t recommend this one. I just… don’t. Not really sure why. It’s so… intense. And there is no real purpose in it. The message ought to be something like “don’t let work become so important that you neglect your family and friends” but it came across more like “we can’t help but admire this horrible selfish woman just a little bit because of her dedication to fashion.”

No.

Wrong.

Incorrect.

And even though it consisted of only a small part of the story, the not-eating-so-that-you-can-lose-weight-and-fit-into-your-clothes thing drove me absolutely insane. Don’t gloss over anorexia like that.

Don’t.

Emily Blunt also shows up in this to terrify us with heavy makeup and a somewhat too-realistic-for-comfort chest cough. And if I didn’t hate Meryl Streep enough because of Into The Woods, I definitely hate her now.

Les Miserables

Oh, look. It’s Anne Hathaway again.

And she has shaved her head. Again.

Ready for a bunch of really unpopular Les Mis opinions from Your Favorite Kate? Here they come.

Hugh Jackman can’t sing. He sounds like a warbling bird and can he please just stop?

Russel Crowe did a fantastic job with Javert.

Eddie Redmayne is super cute but he can’t sing either. He sounds like he is dying. And he isn’t. So stop moaning all over the place. Enjolras, who is not hot, actually has a voice. Leave the singing to him.

Marius is a bit of jerk. Scratch that — he is a lot of a jerk. How can he not see that he is hurting Eponine with all his dreamy remarks about Cosette?

Cosette is annoying.

Eponine should’ve gotten Marius.

Or, if he is too dull to notice the amazing woman standing right next to him the whole time, what about Enjolras and Eponine? Hmmm? Anybody else ship?

Okay I’m done. You can come back now.

Obviously I loved the movie, even if I had a few nitpicky nerd things to say about it. I adore musicals and this was no exception.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Um.

What?

I signed up for light and fluffy and got stuck with a bunch of weird girls who share pants, go after ugly boys — most of them — and then a depressing subplot about a little girl who is dying?

Wow. Way to punch me out of left field there, movie.

The Help

Yes, yes, and more yes.

Not only is this movie original in a way that few movies are these days, but it managed to be original — and thoroughly “modern” — without being so full of its own personal agenda that we all choked and died on it.

This is set in a time period that frequently gets overlooked in favor of the much more exciting Civil War and Reconstruction times. Even Civil Rights protests and segregation get more attention than this. That was good to see. Refreshing. As a passionate teller of stories myself, it was nice to see a story come to light that needs to and often doesn’t.
Not only that, but it was told with kindness and heart and grace. Towards both races, I might add. There was no angry vilifying of white people to be found here, and I deeply appreciated that.

I almost cried.

Almost.

Baby Driver

Reader, I have fallen in love.

With a boy.

His name? Ansel Elgort. Also known as Baby.

Just.

Wow.

What do I do? What are words? How can I describe this movie? This dear sweet child? This brilliantly talented actor?

I cannot.

Okay, actually I can. First of all. This movie is fantastic. Can we have more of this variety, please? And by “this variety,” I mean darling sweet boys who listen to too much music and have iPods and sunglasses for every occasion and who aren’t afraid to let people see them dance and headbang and sing along and take the most tender care of their elderly foster dads and who know sign language and who make mixtapes out of random conversations that they record without anyone knowing. That variety. Please and thank you.

The only other remark I have is that Ansel Elgort truly is a very talented young man. He isn’t good looking in the traditional sense, but I fell head over heels in love with him, with his character. That is some serious acting right there. And as a fellow actor, I have all the admiration.

The New World

This was my Thanksgiving selection because it was about Pocohontas and the Jamestown colony. I enjoyed it, but at the same time… it was not what I expected.

I expected a romance.

What I got was more of a depressing, complicated documentary that left me wondering if poor Christian Bale will ever get the girl of his dreams.

The DUFF

Oh, yes.

I was in the mood for rage. And rage is exactly what I got.

This is the kind of chick-flick, romance movie I can get into. Unlike To All The Boys, this one was somewhat realistic. The athletic hot guy is kind of a jerk. The main character girl is not attractive by most people’s standards — she doesn’t spend her whole life trying to look pretty, she values comfort, she is on the shorter end, she isn’t bone thin. I like it. It makes me feel like people occasionally notice you for your personality and that looks aren’t the only thing that matter in the world.

What a shocking revelation!

Besides. This movie is just plain fun. I can’t recommend it across the board, of course, because my definition of fun includes some very blunt remarks and some very crass jokes. So be warned. This movie is not for the faint of heart. But I wasn’t feeling faint of heart when I watched it, so it was kind of perfect.

I keep begging my friends to watch it again with me, but they said not until next semester at least. Ah, well.

The Vow

Channing Tatum is a beautiful thing and also where can I buy one?

This movie was so sweet until it ended and then I was mad because you can’t just end like that, with zero closure. Why.

27 Dresses

It was weird seeing the girl from Love Comes Softly in anything other than Love Comes Softly, to be honest. She’s a decent actor, but my brain couldn’t get around the fact that she wasn’t wearing ankle-length skirts and prim shirtwaists.

The main dude also confused me. He was kind of funny, a little endearing in his carelessness, and cute at times. But his fashion sense was ridiculous and it I think it subconsciously bothered me the whole time I was watching. His hair was also awful.

And once again we see a girl trying on clothes for a boy who pretends to take pictures or video for professional purposes, but we all begin to wonder. Apparently this is a foolproof way to get someone to fall in love with you. Duly noted.

P.S. I Love You

Gerard Butler is my favorite, okay? He’s adorable. I have an unhealthy crush, particularly in light of the fact that he is old enough to be my father. What can I say? I love guys with accents.

That said… this movie made me furiously angry. Because he is literally dead the entire time, with no hope of him coming back. And his wife, the only character we are left with, is the most annoying person on the planet. The whole thing just hurt my brain and my heart. Gerard is dead. The girl is nasty. The bartending friend is odd — which is kind of the point — but you kind of feel bad for him, because it’s so painfully obvious that he likes her, but also they don’t work out in the end and she ends up having a fling with some random old fat guy?

…What?

The letters are really sweet and Gerard is the light of my life, but no.

It is also important to note that the same drunk and crass best friend from 27 Dresses is an equally drunk and crass best friend in this movie. Wow.

Warm Bodies

This is supposed to be a little over the top, so my review can’t be too serious either.

Unfortunately.

Basically, this zombie eats the brains of a cute girl’s boyfriend and relives the boyfriend’s memories, causing him to fall in love with the cute girl. Okay then. That happened.

The zombies here are pretty tame, so no worries if you are a little on the squeamish side. This movie didn’t bother me much at all… except for the eating the brains part. Now that was thoroughly disturbing. I am disturbed. I honestly have to force myself to not think about it because if I do… the brain being all white and stringy, like soggy fish… well, let’s just say my gag reflex decides it has had enough.

The humor was what saved the movie for me. Having a movie narrated by a zombie is pretty fun, and R’s deadpan sense of humor was great.

If I wanted to be nitpicky, I would point out that for someone who can’t articulate actual words, he is ridiculously intelligent inside of his own head. I mean, he can’t remember certain words — can’t even remember his own name — but he knows about social constructs, like the fact that staring is creepy? And that he is a zombie? And what friends are? Yeah, I don’t think so.

The romance was weird, which is a little bit inevitable when one of the parties involved is covered in oozing wounds and slime. I feel like this story could be remade in a more serious way and it would either be amazing or on the same level as The Shape of Water. Sometimes there is no in-between.

Valentine’s Day

Again, this was supposed to be ridiculously cheesy. I don’t have much to say other than the fact that I love Jamie Foxx and the little boy was a great example of why including children in your story just for the cute factor is never a good idea.

The Lucky One

My friends and I agreed that Zac Efron has never been so good at acting as he was in this movie. I pointed out that it was because he never talked.

Slight exaggeration, of course. But you get the point.

I did enjoy this one. Sweet, serious romances can be just what I need sometimes. This one had dogs, a little boy who was not insanely annoying, and, of course, Zac Efron. Who didn’t talk much, just stood around looking muscular and intense and it was great.

I have a few complaints about the ending. It was more dramatic — and therefore more unrealistic — than it had to be and it wrapped up much too nicely and easily. Life doesn’t work that way most of the time and movie-makers would do well to remember it. But for the most part… it was cute and sunshiny and there were dogs.

Safe Haven

Nope.

The guy is not hot. The girl is way too young. The over-the-top drama was over the top. This is not supposed to be a horror film. Or a suspense film. Or a crime show. I did not sign up for creepy drunken stalkers and domestic abuse and stabbings. Nope.

And the ghost mother who was never really there? That was just weird.

Secondhand Lions

Cute.

I am especially pleased that there is an actual lion in the movie.

The Choice

Yet again, the guy is not hot and he is too old for the girl. What is this grossness.

Also the girl is the zombie girl from Warm Bodies, which throws off the vibe quite a bit because you are thinking about the apocalypse and grunting half-corpses the whole time. Did anyone else notice how oddly zombie-like the girl looks? Like I know that the whole point is that she is the actual human in the situation but she is awfully pale and has these dark circles around her eyes? I am concerned.

But mostly bored.

The Fault In Our Stars

Reader, I cried.

Or, more accurately, I sobbed.

Why.

How.

What am I even supposed to say?

This movie is not as clean as it could be and there are moral issues to be faced here… but I still recommend watching it. Somehow, some way, this story digs beneath all the superficial fluff that I have gotten so used to seeing in these cutesy romance films and manages to tell — more than that, it excels at telling — a story that is deeply real and meaningful and has a power and life that can’t be faked.

I’m not sure whether that sentence even made sense.

Let’s start with something simple. Remember that actor I talked about before? The one I said I fell in love with? Ansel Elgort. Well, I will have you know that I was not lying — I really did notice him in Baby Driver. My college friends can attest to the fact that I was squealing over how perfect and adorable he was when we watched that movie. They kept saying that he wasn’t actually that cute and I kept trying to convey to them that it had nothing to do with looks — the character was angelically sweet and had some serious skills. And he was a fantastic actor.

And then I watched The Fault In Our Stars.

It took me a while to figure out where I had seen that face before. He wasn’t cute, I thought…

But I was wrong.

He is so cute.

He is the most adorable human on the planet.

I am in love.

And if I wasn’t impressed with his acting before… believe me, I am now.

This movie breaks my heart. I read somewhere online after watching the film that John Green wanted to tell a story about kids with serious health complications to prove that their lives could be just as dramatic, romantic, and interesting as the lives of “normal” people. The truth I think he stumbled on is that they are far more dramatic, romantic, and interesting. Why else would this movie resonate so deeply with literally I know who has watched it?

Shailene Woodley was fantastic — forgive me if I gloss over that fact a little too easily. Anyone who plays the main role in such a difficult and amazing movie has to have crazy talent. It’s just that I’m not a huge fan of her character… I don’t think? Maybe I am. Maybe I just forget that I like her because whenever Augustus is on-screen…

Can we talk about him? Can we please just talk about this boy? Can we talk about his grin when he sees Hazel in the support group? Can we talk about how he always calls her by both her first name and her middle name — Hazelgrace, like it’s one name? Can we talk about how excited he is for his first ride in a plane? Can we talk about the “okay” thing — but even more about how he uses the word “perhaps”? Can we talk about the way he isn’t afraid to love her? Can we talk about how he knows they are going to get hurt — that getting hurt is inevitable — but he is willing to risk it? Can we talk about how he says that it would be an honor to have his heart broken by her? Can we talk about the way that no matter how hard she tries to push him away or reject him or hold him at arm’s length, he is determined to love her?

How many guys are like that? A little bit To All The Boys, there is a part of me that screams, “unrealistic!” No boys are actually this perfect, this sweet, this open.

Another part of me says… I’ve known a few boys who were a little like this. And that’s when I started crying. Not at the sad parts. But when they started texting the word “okay” back and forth. Because I’ve done that. And I’ve lost that. And it hurts.

And then there was scene in Amsterdam. With the author. I cried again. And I couldn’t really stop after that. There was the kiss. And the hotel scene. And when he tells her his cancer is back. And the fake eulogies. And that scene where he calls her in the middle of the night and he is crying and he is just… terrified and angry and such a small child in the face of such a terrible disease and dear God, I hate the messed up world we live in sometimes, a world that makes children endure such things and takes them away far too soon, long before we are ready to say goodbye or they are ready to be done living.

I sobbed and sobbed.

I will have you know that I am not a pretty crier. My face gets swollen and blotchy, my nose runs, I have trouble breathing. I solemnly told my friends that now they had seen me at my worst and I would have to kill them.

My eyes were actually swollen for two whole days and the headache lasted even longer than that. As much as I enjoyed the movie, I’m not entirely sure I can handle ever watching it again.

Divergent

We kind of watched this one to recover from The Fault In Our Stars and it was a welcome change. Also, Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort are both back and I may or may not have screeched a little bit over Caleb, who is eternally and forever my favorite character. Come what may.

Batman Begins

Fantastic!

I loved it.

I also stayed up until 2 in the morning to watch this all by myself on my laptop, so I’m glad that it was worth it. Unlike a certain Devil Wears Prada that was exhausting and made me want to weep.

Christian Bale is my baby and always has been. Poor guy never gets the girl, though. I’ve never seen any of the Batman movies, so this one is my introduction and I think it’s safe to say that it made me an instant fan.

It’s not just an action movie, or a superhero movie. It actually tells a story. It has an aesthetic. It makes sense and doesn’t rely solely on a lot of shouting “magic! superheroes! they have… powers!” which is nice. Enough detail was given to satisfy my question, but not so much that it bogged down the story or bored me out of my mind.

Honestly, I was impressed. This was a very clean — content and storytelling — version of the superhero flick.

Insurgent

Wherein Caleb becomes the bad guy.

That’s okay. I’m still his biggest fan, no matter what he chooses to do with his career and his morals!

I also lowkey want to read the book series now, to see how it compares…

Honestly I’m standing by my opinion that its a ripoff of The Hunger Games?

Christmas Under Wraps

I have only one question: are Hallmark movies intentionally awful, like parodies? Or are they literally the only ones in the world who are unaware of how mocked their films are?

Love’s Christmas Journey

The Love Comes Softly franchise has come a very long way… and yet, not long enough.

A Christmas Carol (1984, starring George C. Scott)

I thought this was an accurate and well-acted version of the story! Not super recent, but I like old films.

The Man Who Invented Christmas

Yes!

This. Movie. Is. Fantastic.

I’m not sure there was not more ranting and raving and flowery reviews back when this one came out last year? It certainly deserves all of that and a lot more. In fact, I might review it at length myself sometime… but not today. This post is already long enough.
Suffice it to say that Dan Stevens really shone in this film. It was appropriately dark, while still managing to be funny and snarky and sharp. It was also deeper than one might expect from a Christmas movie and unapologetically dove into some tough topics.

I love it.

And that, my friends, is all.

Well, if you read this whole post… kudos to you, my friend. It took me over a week to complete, thanks to a lovely Christmas flu. Speaking of Christmas, how was yours? Tell me all the things in the comments below and, as always, head over to my other blog and give it a follow to keep up better with college adventure videos and random snippets of cryptic poetry!